When you are crying really hard, like really hard, what do you do? Me: I try to focus all my strength on holding my breath. I try to stop breathing. I try so hard that my lips turn blue. I try so hard. Every time. When I’m alone, I’ll shove my face into a pillow – hard. I try to cut the air off. I try incredibly hard. Do you do that? I’ll say “just stop breathing, just stop” over and over. It’s the only way I know how to calm myself down. And even then, it doesn’t always work. But every time, I wish it will. Is that weird?
Depression sucks. Hard.
I went to my shrink today. She is a mess. Seriously. I’ve been seeing her for years. She is something else. Every time I go and see her I almost just stop and ask her how SHE is. She is constantly frazzled, and typically covered in splotchy, orange self tanner. She is always in a state of panic, overwhelmed and discombobulated. Today, I watched her fight with the electronic health record for at least a half hour. She was yelling at it, asking nurses to come in and help her. She makes me feel put together. On her desk I saw my friend’s chart – and a letter on top describing all of her prescriptions and mental health problems. HIPPA schmippa. As soon as I saw it, my shrink asked me if I had any friends left in Saint Louis. I wanted to say, “Um, yes. Yes, I do. In fact, that’s my best friends’ chart right there. In the open. On your desk. And those are all of her medications, listed right there, in the open. Wait, are those not the friends you want me to have?” I wonder if people have seen my chart on her desk like that? Probably. Oh, well. She’s a mess.
I went in for my typical check up (read: prescription refill). She doesn’t usually ask how I am. Well, she does. But that’s not really her job. You see, psychiatrists are essentially pharmacists. “You want to talk about your problems? Here’s the number to a therapist. Now, what drugs do you want?” And I always know what drugs I want. Knowing my shrink’s drug slinging disposition, I’m actually proud of my restraint. She’s an enabler. When I was hooked on benzos a couple of years ago, she saw no problem with it. I did. I don’t like being on drugs, especially drugs I don’t need. Thank god.
I wanted to get high today. It’s the truth. This is my blog and I am going to be honest. I decided to make this to tell people what it feels like when a med student doesn’t match. This is what happens - they want to get high. I wanted to smoke pot, or take Vicodin, or do something to take me away from myself. I wanted to escape this pain. These feelings of failure can be overwhelming. I just wanted to escape. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I mean, I probably could have, easily, let’s be honest. But that’s not how I am choosing to handle this situation. These feelings are sometimes too much. Today was a shitty, shitty day. I woke up feeling terrible; feeling sad. I have down times, times when all of this overwhelming disappointment hits me. Today, it all hit me. Hard. I felt terrible. I pulled myself out of bed (after sleeping for 13 hours), and went to see my shrink. I cried in her office – something I never do. But I could not help it. I had to cry today. I haven’t cried in a few days, it was time. No matter how strong I try to feel, this sadness is always there. I try so incredibly hard to get around it; to work through it. Sometimes, however, it is overwhelming and the sadness catches up to me. God I hate this feeling. I hate being helpless to my sadness. There is no worse feeling than helplessness. None.
I am very proactive when it comes to my mental health. You see, I don’t feel mental health issues should be stigmatized. In fact, I think they should put a prescription for an SSRI in everyone’s white coat on their first day of medical school. Did you know more than 25% of medical students are clinically depressed? If you’ve been to medical school, you understand why. It’s terrible. Then, imagine living through every medical student’s worst nightmare: NOT MATCHING. It is hell. Literally, hell. I can’t help but sit here and think of this generation of medical students moving away – moving on, without me. This is the second round of med students I have watched move on… without me.
Tonight I went to a fancy hamburger place not all that far from my house. Bingo was played. I lost — huge surprise. What’s it like to “have luck?” Because frankly, I have none. In fact, I’ve always been an unlucky person. I have never won a drawing or anything in my life for that matter. However, a couple of months ago, a guy in my class put my name in a bowl for a lottery. I won a $10 gift certificate to a sandwich shop. I was ecstatic. I told him all about how I had never won anything in my life. I then lost said gift certificate. Go figure.
It goes to show that we make our own luck. And frankly, I am terrible at it. I deserve all the luck I have ever been given – none.
Today, I ran into one of my best friends when I was leaving my Shrink‘s office. Star sees the same shrink as me actually. It was fate that we ran into each other, as I was a mess. Star has been there for me during this entire terrible situation. She has seen me talk crazy. She has seen me cry. She has seen me at my absolute lowest. No matter how hard I try right now, I can’t crawl out of this pit. And I try so incredibly hard. I know that this crying, poor-poor-pitiful me bullshit will get me no where. I know what I have to do next. I spent last week planning; I need to spend this week DOING. But it is so god damn hard. I have never felt like this in my life. I am worthless. It is so sad, and so incredibly frustrating at the same time. I don’t know what’s worse: the crippling sadness or the inability to think; to act. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I hate so many things.
Tonight, Star helped me draft a list of things I hate. Number one on my list: this feeling. I hate it. I hate depression or “this situation” (as my shrink says), or whatever you want to call this. I hate the inability to think. I hate the inability to ACT. I hate it. I feel like a prisoner to this circumstance. I wish I was able to do all of the things I say that I want to do. But I cannot. Well, at least I could not today. It is harder than anyone can imagine. I am a prisoner to this depression. Today, it sucked. Hard.
I just want to be happy. We sat around today and thought of things to do to get me out of this funk. We even made a list. The problem was, none of the things I listed would make me happy. I felt antsy and wanted to drive to the ocean. I wanted to sit on the beach and watch the sunset. I wanted to be on the water. But I could not – I am in Missouri. The sun might as well not even set here. It is a miserable, beachless place. It sucks. The only thing that sucks more than this place, is me being here. I was not meant to be here for this long. I was meant to be on a body of water – any kind of water, even the Sacramento River. I thought about going down to the Mississippi swamp, but I know that would have just made this feeling worse. I miss water. I miss the ocean. I miss the lake. I miss my family. I missed my family yesterday especially. Easter. I miss it all so much. I just want to sit on my dock. I just want to be with my family. I just don’t want to be here any more. But where should I go? Where should I be? What should I do? What’s important?
WHAT’S IMPORTANT?
Is my family important? I feel like I would kill them if I move home. Either that, or I’ll kill myself (not really, don’t worry). But really, what is important? I have a year. Where should I spend it? What’s important? Is my career important? Is my bank account important? What? Is my family more important? I’ve been pushing a ball up a hill for so long. I’ve been told I can no longer do that. So what should I do? WHAT’S IMPORTANT?
Maybe tomorrow I’ll figure it out. Even better, maybe tomorrow I’ll figure it out and be able to do something about it.
Star wrote me a note in my crazy-person-notebook before she left my house tonight, I just found it:
“Dear Whori,
It’s okay to cry. Poker faces are for losers. Please don’t try to die; being here would suck without you. Also, you’ve got a lot to do, sooo..
Love, Star <3
P.S. the list (see previous page) needs serious improvement and implementation.”
She is right. It’s time to do something. I know this whole shitty situation happened for a reason. I even feel like maybe I’ve figure out what that reason is – I need to change the match. I need to save people from going through this in the future. But the problem I am facing is DOING IT. It’s a strange, unwelcome feeling being unable to do something. I don’t like it. I don’t like this.
Time to do something. Maybe tomorrow. I hope… I’ll try to not hold my breath until then.
- L